lesson: the first date

Oh, dating. Sigh. Guys, here are a few helpful hints on what to do and not do. After tonight, I feel the 'not do' part is much more important to master, though perhaps more entertaining when botched.




Dear prospective date:

Please don't:

1. Have halitosis. I know you might not be aware that you suffer from this rank malady, but please practice good oral hygiene.
2. Tell me that you think you've learned everything that western civilization has to offer. That makes you sound douchey. And it's not true.
   
3. Talk about how volunteering is so narcissistic.
4. Tell me that foie gras is orgasmic. I'm a vegetarian.
   
5. Make me guess at everything. I don't know. Just tell me.
   
6. Spell words out for me. I'm a smart person, and am very good at spelling. Yoga. Y-O-G-A. There, I did it.
   
7. Categorize me. (i.e. "so you're really type A.") That's rude.
8. Tell me that pursuing higher education seems like a waste of money. I'm going to grad school in the fall, so I find that a little insulting.
9. Talk about your authenticity. That automatically makes you inauthentic.
   

Please do:

1. Buy my drink. You're making me coexist in your presence for the duration of this date, the least you can do is pay for my booze.
2. Tell me what you do for a living. Don't ask me if I've seen Fight Club and talk about Edward Norton and how what he does is similar to what you do. That doesn't make sense.
   
3. Move to Africa, since that's where you think you can learn something. Consider permanent residency. Think of all the learning you could do!
4. Erase my phone number from your cell.
   

Winner: Fight Club

Loser: my patience