the ultimate loser meal

My mom is absolutely obsessed with her vacuum food sealer.

This means really good things for me. Every time I'm home, I end up traveling back to New York with a big blue insulated bag full of meals for one. I put them in my freezer, and defrost them as needed. It's fantastic.

Mom has dubbed these sealed up goodies for my singular self 'loser meals.' After I was faux offended by this title, I admitted that it was pretty genius.

For my birthday this year, Lauren bought me an indoor grill so I can grill up some of my very own loser meals. Or, we can grill stuff together which would make us winners. In any case, it's exciting. Check out my first very own grilled loser meal!



winner: indoor grill
auxiliary winner: the concept of the loser meal
loser: n/a (when there's food involved, everyone wins)

lesson: the first date

Oh, dating. Sigh. Guys, here are a few helpful hints on what to do and not do. After tonight, I feel the 'not do' part is much more important to master, though perhaps more entertaining when botched.




Dear prospective date:

Please don't:

1. Have halitosis. I know you might not be aware that you suffer from this rank malady, but please practice good oral hygiene.
2. Tell me that you think you've learned everything that western civilization has to offer. That makes you sound douchey. And it's not true.
   
3. Talk about how volunteering is so narcissistic.
4. Tell me that foie gras is orgasmic. I'm a vegetarian.
   
5. Make me guess at everything. I don't know. Just tell me.
   
6. Spell words out for me. I'm a smart person, and am very good at spelling. Yoga. Y-O-G-A. There, I did it.
   
7. Categorize me. (i.e. "so you're really type A.") That's rude.
8. Tell me that pursuing higher education seems like a waste of money. I'm going to grad school in the fall, so I find that a little insulting.
9. Talk about your authenticity. That automatically makes you inauthentic.
   

Please do:

1. Buy my drink. You're making me coexist in your presence for the duration of this date, the least you can do is pay for my booze.
2. Tell me what you do for a living. Don't ask me if I've seen Fight Club and talk about Edward Norton and how what he does is similar to what you do. That doesn't make sense.
   
3. Move to Africa, since that's where you think you can learn something. Consider permanent residency. Think of all the learning you could do!
4. Erase my phone number from your cell.
   

Winner: Fight Club

Loser: my patience

disco what?

You are probably asking yourself some or all of the following questions:

1. What are discofries?
2. Is it possible to have a singular 'discofry?'
3. Where did I leave my keys?

I can help with the first two, but you're on your own for the third. Discofries are a delicacy found at my favorite NYC late night eatery, the Waverly Restaurant. This fine establishment is not a diner. Don't be fooled by its impossibly extensive menu. Yes, ma'am, you may have a baked Virginia ham steak with pineapple ring at 4:30 am. Dieting? Perhaps consider something from the Waist Watchers portion of the menu. Fancy a diet burger? Yes, that does come with cottage cheese, as do all options in this section.

Discofries are, in essence, cut potato wedges, fried, and then baked covered with cheese. The layman might know this delicious concoction as 'cheese fries.' But really, they symbolize much more. Many fantastic nights have ended at the Waverly Restaurant with friends, sharing discofries, grilled cheese, and on a special occasions, a quiche. See my good friend above, enjoying said fries. You can't fake pure joy like that.

I'm not sure exactly what I'll be posting here, but I can narrow it down slightly for you. There will be no post involving:

1. geometric equations
2. discussion of raisins or other dried fruits
3. smack talk about my friends (that's for my other blog)

That's really all I'm willing to rule out at this point. Everything else is fair game.

Also, I've decided to do a New York mag style scoring system for my blog, awarding winners and losers for each post.

winner: discofries, obvi
loser: Virginia baked ham with pineapple ring at 4:30 am